February 5, 2019
This year I will be turning 50 and it has me asking myself who I am, day after day. I want the next 50, give or take a few, to be different. As this grand 5-0 approaches, I imagined myself at my goal weight (yes, everything I write is going to mention weight since it’s the most fucked up part of my self esteem), with a booming career and spotless home, successful business, and overall amazing life. But I got some clutter in the way.
I’m sitting here at my dining room table, in baggy sweats, ankle socks, airpods in, Consideration by Rihanna, SZA playing full blast in my head, candles burning around the recently clutter-purged dining room / kitchen combo. My husband is at his night job in the city. My youngest daughter is with her dad. My oldest is at work for another 2 hours. I feel like a teenager…. Enjoying the natural high of the freshly cleaned and rearranged space of my kitchen and dining room. There’s a vibe here now that wasn’t here before.
Tidying Up by Marie Kondo has taken the insane busy moms by storm. I’ve felt held down by stuff for years. I watched one episode, handled my clothes, drawers, closet, shoes, purses. Seven bags were bagged up. My husband came home and felt the same drive. He added another 2-3 bags. Over the past 3 weeks I’ve continued through the outside shed, hall closet, and most recently our kitchen / dining room combo. I am looking at and living with only the items that have “brought me joy”. Everywhere I turn, I am happy. I am content. I went from items falling on me when you opened our walk-in closet, to standing completely in my closet every morning, looking at only my most favorite items of clothing hanging in order by color in my closet. Getting dressed has never been easier. The stress I encountered DAILY with trying to get ready from piles of clothes around the room, to reaching over piles and piles of I don’t know what, to get the tip of my pointy finger on a shoe that I think matches a shoe I remember being under my bed…is over. Getting dressed takes no time, no matter how yucky I feel that day. I can easily find something from only my favorites.
I have been lacking any and all optimism for quite some time now. Life has fucking sucked to be blunt. But the dark cloud – or in my case – the fucking 8.0 magnitude quake followed by a tsunami, which then for some weird reason was followed by a hurricane…. Is starting to get a break. Skies are clearing. Water is drying up. I might have weathered the storm. I feel as though I have pretty much weathered that storm. My husband tells me I have. We have. Pretty sure (if I could just keep going with this convenient metaphor) we are headed to higher ground finally.
Here I sit in that newly found peace that comes with a freshly cleaned space, fragranced by a balance of sweet, clean and spice wax. Feeling a bit light headed from the wave of excitement for having a focused area of our house. Clutter is a scary thing. It consumes most. Destroys good energy. An exception to the rule is an individual who can multitask through or over the clutter. They can remain focused on the task at hand and not let bullshit distract them. I admire those people. I am not one of them. I have tried to hold it together and not let the obvious violation of our space, infringe upon my success as a woman, a mom and a wife. “Tried” being the key word. Even though I still deal with it, I know it wears me down. I see it. Hate it. Shame myself for it. Step over it. Think about it. Hate on it. I hear the judgment in my head, I hear the voices of my childhood about what kind of person “let’s things go…” and I hate that I am that person. And yet the clutter remains. It’s such a vicious mold that grows over your motivation, inspiration and in the end, productivity.
I have always either obsessively cleaned my home, or let it grow over itself with piles of clean clothes, boxes that need to be put away in sheds or garages, unfinished projects, things that were never given a “place”, mail that is going to be filed, curtains that are going to be hung, etc. It holds you back, holds you down, becomes an invisible and literal physical barrier to success – It stands between you and progress. I know this. I agree with this concept. I can validate the theory every time I clear physical space. It is like this magical and spiritual energy suddenly takes over the space, the home and that energy now has space to flow through the home. The energy is lifted. The moods improve. The inhaling is deeper and the exhale is healing…all because there is clean energy. I have started to clear the funk. I can feel what’s coming with this transition…..
It is nurturing the true manifesting of what my heart seeks. Reaching up to the higher me; the part of me that has been hiding behind depression. The part of me that was so dependent on others to make me happy. I have some work to do on myself. Ok, quite a bit actually. But clearing the clutter, seeing the space open, feeling the space open in my head and in my sense of being; being able to think about something other than that pile of crap over in the corner of my family room, is setting the stage for the new me to make an entrance sometime soon. It makes me almost pee myself when I think about what life would be like with a clutter free, open house, functioning home office space, writing space, family gathering space, me-time space, clean patio, etc., that would then lead to a healthier mind, healthier body, calmness, and an anxiety free existence. Weight loss might happen. Improved health. Business growth because of everything mentioned. THAT is what I want at 50. Let’s start with clearing the clutter.